Newmania: Living the Dream

King Campbell is living the dream: he has a lovely wife and daughters, good friends, an important and well paid job with all the perks. Now, less than nine months after being elected to lead Queensland out of the financial quagmire, the dream has faded like Queen Lisa's curtains during Daylight Saving.

If only...

King Campbell may have led the LNP back to government, but nothing is the way it should’ve been, and very few people on the Conservative side of politics are happy. There was a plan. The LNP won in a landslide. So what went wrong?

King Campbell's dramatic ascent to the top is virtually being mirrored on the slide back down. So dramatic has been King Campbell’s political descent that LNP members are walking away from their leader. Those who have stayed are finding the journey less satisfying than they had expected. Bruce Flegg has retreated to the back benches, Ros Bates is mired in controversy with her son, and everyone else is taking a beating over the violent cuts to jobs and services that their government has forced through.

The Newman Effect is undoubtedly having an impact on the electability of the federal Coalition, so Canberra isn't’t happy either.

And now, Ray Hopper is telling tales. Mr Hopper is a former LNP Member who defected to Bob Katter’s Australia Party last week, and he tells not of living the LNP dream, but of surviving a nightmare in the party room. Mr Hopper has revealed that Campbell Newman’s own leadership team of Treasurer Tim Nicholls and Deputy Premier Jeff Seeney chose Newman to lead the LNP to victory in the election, a role Newman performed admirably.


The thing is, the Nicholls-Seeney plan did not factor in any possibility that King Campbell would win the seat of Ashgrove. Had Kate Jones held Ashgrove for the Labor Party, Newman would’ve been out of a job because while you can lead the party in Opposition from outside the Parliament, you cannot be Premier without a seat. Had Newman lost Ashgrove, Tim Nicholls and Jeff Seeney – and possibly Bruce Flegg, Lawrence Springborg, Fiona Simpson and/or John Paul Langbroek – would have fought for leadership of the party, and Premiership of Queensland.

What would that have looked like? We’ll never know. Mr Hopper says there was no opportunity for dissent, no opportunity to vote for a leader. Newman was installed, and that was it...but he was installed to win, not to lead.

Of course, King Campbell’s People are ducking and weaving like the administrative mavens they are. Their response is that we should not believe the bitter rant of a man who left the party. Frankly, I’m more inclined to believe Mr Hopper than I am to believe the LNP spin team trying to protect the reputation of a leader who is rapidly losing all support. Ray Hopper has nothing to lose.

So far, the other two MPs who parted company with the LNP last week haven’t spoken out…but both of them - Dr Alex Douglas and Carl Judge - have shown interest in teaming up with Clive Palmer, should Mr Palmer form a new political party.

And then there’s Bob Katter, who has been in contact with Clive during the past few weeks, around the time that Clive removed himself from the LNP. Perhaps Mr Katter is after financial support from Clive, although they do have some areas of policy in common. Ray Hopper is now running the three man parliamentary arm of Katter’s Australia Party. If Clive’s latest plan goes ahead, and he picks up Douglas and Judge plus only two more, the two minor parties would have between them as many MPs as Labor. I wouldn’t rule anything out.

And while all of this to manoeuvring is going on, King Campbell continues to his slide to oblivion, which is exactly where Jeff Seeney and Tim Nicholls expected him to be. Unfortunately, he’s still Premier, although there is some doubt as to whether he is calling the shots.

Ray Hopper has suggested that our worst fears are being realised; that the thousands of jobs the Newman Government cut didn’t need to be cut; that the same result could have been achieved with a gentler approach. Gentleness was rejected. It would take too long, and the point was to get the nasty stuff out of the way quickly so that we could all forget about before the next election.

I guess they've forgotten that Anna Bligh pretty much sunk herself by announcing the infamous assets sale just weeks after being elected. Newmanians have long memories and carry grudges.

Nightmares can be nasty, particularly the recurring kind. Newmania is living the LNP nightmare right now, and we’re stuck in it for another two years, at least. The question of who is pulling the strings is largely irrelevant. Everyone is suffering and it appears that within the LNP senior ranks, there is no alternative.

At least Ray Hopper, Alex Douglas and Carl Judge can sleep easier.

The Clivening: Clive Harder

Last week, the conservative love affair of the century ended. The ultimately futile attractions of the LNP to Clive's millions and Clive to the benefits of an LNP Government has failed. Clive has dumped the LNP; the LNP has counter-dumped Clive. There's no happy ending in sight.

Surprisingly, it is crazy Clive F Palmer, with his soccer addiction, his Titanic replica, his Jurassic Park-themed golf resort (formerly the Hyatt Regency Coolum), and another mega-resort and international airport planned for the Sunshine Coast who has the most support. Politically, Clive has (or had) that pesky life membership of the LNP, plus his seven-digit donation to the party, a conspiracy theory linking the CIA to the Greens, threats to run for federal parliament against Wayne Swan, a stoush with Tony Abbott and a rare talent for media conferences that would make him political dynamite.

So what is Clive Palmer up to? He is speaking out against the reign of King Campbell, in a manner that most voters to the left of Genghis Khan will appreciate. King Campbell's popularity within Newmania has dropped from a high in the 60s, before he started his Campbell Scissorhands routine, to somewhere in the 40s in around six months. Wonks are claiming that this is the fastest fall in post-election leadership approval and popularity ever seen in Australia.

Voters have been protesting against King Campbell's Slash & Burn tactics for months now; Opposition Leader Annastacia Palasczcuk has tried to lead an effective opposition and has been entirely ineffectual; the media, including the Murdochian Courier Mail has has been appropriately critical, too. Nothing has broken through the way Clive's criticism has.

Clive Palmer has a decades-long relationship with the LNP and it's predecessor. Even without his business successes, he's impossible to ignore, particularly when he compares King Campbell's first eight months with the Bjelke Petersen government, and claims the Newman regime is worse. Clive believes in the goodness of conservative politics, and largely bankrolled the amalgamation of the Queensland Liberals and Nationals, creating the party he just dumped. The LNP is, in part, his creation, and through that, he enabled Labor's defeat.

Clive Palmer carries a lot of conservative political clout - dare I suggest he has even more clout without he LNP? Imagine a Clive who wasn't wedded to LNP mantras; a Clive who could apply his business expertise to running the state while still being true to his values. This is the man who donated substantial funds to the Queensland Labor movement to assist public servants who'd been sacked. He doesn't hesitate to put his money where his mouth is.

When Clive parted ways with the LNP after that unforgettable media conference where he referred to King Campbell as Caesar, he asked us to expect something big. Someone should probably tell Clive that when he calls a presser, "big" is usually an understatement.

Clive also likes the visual, and for that media conference he stood in front of a yellow and black backdrop covered in the words "Together we achieve the extraordinary". I wondered if that was significant. It's a slogan adopted by organisations ranging from fitness clubs to the Jefferson Baptist Church to various construction companies, metalwork businesses, corporate consultants and...Clive Palmer himself, who had the words included on the billboard he erected in Wayne Swan's suburban Brisbane seat of Lilley. There was no party branding, just the slogan and Clive's name and easily recognisable face.

The LNP must be curious and more. They have weathered the Flegg resignation, but still have to deal with Michael Caltabiano and Ros Bates. Ray Hopper's defection to Katter's Australia Party might not have shaken a government with a majority the size of Jupiter, but today, the last sitting week of the year, Gold Coast LNP member Alex Douglas is stirring the party pot over his removal from the Ethics Committee, and Carl Judge, yet another LNP member, will in all likelihood be disendorsed by the party. Bob Katter thinks there are more LNP members ready to jump ship, but which way?

The million dollar question: What about a Clive Party?

Would Clive Party throw his money behind another political venture? If he did, would he run for office as it's leader? Would other, disgruntled LNP MPs dump the LNP to play in Clive's sandpit? If they did, where does that leave Katter's Party? Could Clive summon seven or more LNP members to 'be extraordinary' with him, allowing his party to replace the ALP as the party in Opposition?

With Clive, anything is possible. He loves being the ringmaster, revealing his latest and greatest thought-bubbles to the world. When a man like that ends a press conference with a promise of something bigger, he could well be gearing up to announce the formation of his own political party, or a plan to challenge King Campbell head-on in Ashgrove, or release some hitherto unknown documentation implicating half the LNP in dirty deeds, or a plan to save Queensland by building replica Titanics and cloning dinosaurs...or he could be announcing that he's had enough enough of the whole shebang and he's going to colonise the moon.

It's Clive, after all. Nothing is too far out there.

Newmania: The UnClivening

Once upon a time in a Queensland far far ago, devotees of the once powerful Sir Joh Bjelke Petersen came to the bitter realisation that the Queensland National Party could not regain its former glory. Their Arch Enemies from the Labor Party had clung to power in Queensland with far more energy than grace, much like a small dog humping its owner’s leg. Regardless of who the National Party elected to lead them to victory, they always fell short. Lawrence Springborg had a few goes, plus Mike Horan, Jeff Seeney and John-Paul Langbroek all tried and all failed to defeat the Labor Government and seize power.

Enter Clive Palmer with boatloads of cash, and Bruce McIver, the brains of the operation. Bruce and Clive were buddies; Bruce had served on the board of one of Clive companies, and still works for him from time to time.The way to win Queensland, they said, was with a united conservative party, backed by big business and values voter appeal. The Queensland Nationals merged with the Queensland Liberal Party and the LNP was born.


Bruce McIver, now State President of the LNP, pulled strings. Thick strings. Ropes. Brisbane Lord Mayor Campbell Newman was convinced to step down from leading the city of Bridges and Tunnels, and step up as a Candidate for King of the Whole Blinking State! Mud was slung and names were called; headlines written, prayers recited, promises made, alliances formed and debates debated. When the votes had been counted, the LNP’s victory was so colossal that the state was renamed Newmania.

Newmania would rise from the ashes of the Bligh-led disaster-prone state of Queensland. (The name had to go. King Campbell’s campaign collaborator Wendy Joy doesn’t approve of Queens.) LNP President Bruce McIver and megadonor Clive Palmer were happy. Bruce’s conservative agenda was being attended to in the appropriate manner, and Clive was…WHAT?

Clive Palmer has donated a quarter of a million dollars to the Together Union to help them take care of the thousands of public servants who’s been ‘displaced’ during King Campbell’s Cheap Cuts. If the donation was just a glorious Dummy Spit, as has been suggested by members of King Campbell’s Court, it’s a nice one. A quarter of a million dollars can do a lot of good, and possibly build a few relationships to replace the ones he’s been burning.

Clive Palmer is an extraordinary man. Aside from being a national Living Treasure, he is a genuine mining entrepreneur, Newmania’s richest man, former owner of Gold Coast United Football Club, life member of the National Party of Australia, owner of the Hyatt Regency Coolum Resort (now named the Palmer Coolum Resort), lecturer, spreader of bizarre conspiracy theories, hatcher of grand plans (a replica of Titanic, and a private Jurassic Park style resort with cloned dinosaurs and a jumbo jet pick up and delivery service for guests), horse breeder, accomplished shit-stirrer, and occasional political candidate wannabe. He’s also Bruce McIver’s best friend and the LNP’s biggest donor.

Clive is a big man with a big heart, a big imagination and a short attention span. What could he want from the LNP? Political favours relating to his business dealings? The LNP campaigned on ‘A Strong Resources and Energy Sector' so everything should be flowing in Clive’s direction.

It seems not. Mr Palmer has had several recent differences of opinion with the Liberal Party, the party he was hoping to represent via Treasurer Wayne Swan’s seat of Lilley. After months of huffing and puffing, he announced yesterday that he would not seek pre-selection with the Liberal Party because he has a problem with their position on asylum seekers, although he supports the election of an Abbott Government.

Earlier this year at the Liberal National Conference, Mr Palmer admitted to a shouting match with Tony Abbott over Clive’s proposal that people who are acting as professional lobbyists and journalists should be banned from holding executive positions within the Liberal Party.

Less of a surprise is the ongoing battle between Clive Palmer and Treasurer Wayne Swan. Mr Palmer called the most recent Swan Budget a “sham”. Mr Swan criticised the Axis of Affluence (Palmer, Twiggy and Gina) for their selfish greed regarding the Mining Resource Rent Tax. In fact, Mr Swan labelled the Axis “a threat to democracy.”

When he’s not dabbling in politics, Mr Palmer is planning an immense new tourist development on the Sunshine Coast. He’s going to need many miles of pristine coastline, and some notable advances in science so that he can clone a dinosaur or two. The locals and the environmentalists are against the development and so are the Greens. He’ll also need the co-operation of the state and federal governments to allow him to spend a few hundred million dollars upgrading the Sunshine Coast Airport to International standard.

Clive’s Jurassic Adventureland* will probably take a little longer to eventuate than his replica of the Titanic, with contemporary luxury appointments, a "safety deck" and a casino that will be restricted to First Class Passengers only, so as not to take advantage of people who couldn’t afford to lose lots of money.

And when things were getting dreary in Clive’s world, don’t forget his stunning media conference in which he that linked the Australian Greens to the CIA in a conspiracy theory so convoluted that it could almost be true. Then later, after the state election, he took it back. 

Back here in Newmanian reality, it’s unlikely that a man with so many business interests would be able to devote more than about three days in total to a political career, much less three years. I doubt he’s serious about having political ambitions. That would make Bruce McIver happy; Bruce is adamant that his old boss should not nominate for pre-selection.

Meanwhile, Clive is receiving $300,000 from King Campbell's incredibly tight budget to aid Clive's High Court challenge against the MRRT, but is also challenging that same government to explain why his company was not awarded a major rail contract. If he doesn’t receive a response from Eff Seeney, or if he doesn’t like the response from Eff Seeney, he will take the Queensland Government to the Supreme Court. The rail contract went to his Axis partner Gina Rinehart’s company.

Should someone remind Clive that he has made powerful enemies in both parties, at both state and federal level? At this point, his only chance of getting special favours from any government would be to stage a coup d'état from the lavishly appointed poop deck of Clive’s Titanic Cruiser.

*not the real name

Wanda's World

There's no requirement that I know of for politicians to be intelligent. In most democracies the majority of adult citizens are eligible to run for public office. There's no minimum IQ, no minimum education requirement, no psychometric testing to ensure that candidates are suitably focused on public service, no general knowledge exam to ensure that you can identify the bigger countries on the map, and know which one we live in. 


In fact, there's not much required beyond raising your hand and paying a bond of some kind to the state. 


That's exactly as it should be, yet somewhere along the line, there needs to be some kind of filtering mechanism; a way of stopping the terrifyingly unhinged from doing too much damage. We call that voting - eliminating those who shouldn't be making the big decisions. Here in Australia, it's compulsory; we all have a responsibility too keep the riffraff out of parliament. Sometimes the decision is easy; sometimes, it's less clear cut.


Clive Palmer has raised his hand and signalled his intention to stand for Liberal pre-selection for the Federal seat of Lilley. There's no doubt that he's a very clever man, but is a self-made mega-rich ideas-man the right man to represent others in Parliament? If he's lucky enough to gain pre-selection, the voters will need to decide if Clive can be a team player, if he can cope with not being The Boss. It's telling that Liberal Leader Tony Abbott wasn't aware of Clive's intentions. Clive is used to making decisions without reference to others. That doesn't work in Parliament. Is Clive a solution, or an even bigger problem?


Then there's Peter Slipper, a career politician who just can't seem to control his use of commonwealth travel perks, or his enjoyment of ... Well, you know the rest. How did this man keep getting elected? Abbott knew what was going on there, potentially for several years, and he was only too happy to pass responsibility for 'the problem' to the PM when Slipper jumped ship. Even former Liberal Party minister Mal Brough is a critic of Mr Slipper's conduct. There's no doubt that Peter Slipper is a clever operator, but recent history suggests that he's not clever enough. As an Independent, there's no preselection, but can he win, with his baggage strewn to the four winds and no party support? It's doubtful.

A new depth of political dumbness was reached when George W Bush stepped onto the world stage in 2000. We learned to never misunderestimate the world's most powerful man. 


Eight years later, as Dubya was preparing to leave the White House, commentators, cartoonists and talk show hosts rejoiced in the arrival of half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Although she and Presidential candidate John McCain failed in their bid for the Presidency, it worked out well for the rest of us. Ms Palin has had far more chance to embarrass herself as a loose cannon than she could ever have had as Veep.


But now, make way for Wanda.


Wanda Brown is an American politician whose appearance this week on The Daily Show was the stuff of nightmares. Ms Brown is a Republican, and a member of the Missouri legislature, as well as being associated with the following organisations:

NRA Life Member
Lincoln, Warsaw and Cole Camp Chambers of Commerce
Benton County Republican Committee
Benton County Pachyderms
Benton County Republican Women
Missouri Cattleman's Association
Missouri Farm Bureau
Whiteman Air Force Base Community Council

Wanda Brown's latest campaign is to protect gun owners from workplace discrimination. According to Ms Brown, gun-owners in Missouri are more at risk of workplace discrimination that gays are. 


Fortunately for everyone in Missouri, Ms Brown was unable to provide a single example of discrimination against gun-owners, so either her campaign has been 100% successful, or there's something amiss. I think her performance on The Daily Show will explain: the segment is "Free At Last, Free to Blast".


Ms Brown's efforts to have this non-existent discrimination against gun-owners banned has actually succeeded.Face it: Brown has picked up where George W left off four years ago. She's an ultra-conservative Republican who sounds committed and believable. The truth is, she is unbelievable & probably should be committed.


She is spending her time and effort getting a law passed to make illegal something which as far as we know, has never happened.  (She also has hair that reminds me of Julie Bishop's eyes. If Julie Bishop ever gets Wanda Brown's hairstyle, we're all doomed.)


But I'm considering myself pretty lucky about now. Of all three levels of politics, none of my local representatives  is stupid. They all seem to be sensible, determined men who believe in what they're doing. I don't necessarily agree with their policies or priorities, but I can't imagine any of them trying to pass a law to ban cats on the Internet, on announcing that their political opponents are funded by an overseas intelligence agency.


But I like knowing that there are Wandas in the world, too. They bring some much-needed perspective to political cynics like me. 

The Clivening: Why Stop At Clive?

Most of us are unhappy with the goings on in Canberra, although to be fair, there are a handful of really exceptional members of the parliament. The risk is that, whenever the election is called, we will have to make a choice between our current Government, and our current Opposition. Look at any recent polling and you’ll find that dissatisfaction numbers are higher than satisfaction numbers. This indicates that we don’t much like either of these choices.

Bob Katter knew that, and registered Katter’s Australian Party with hopes aplenty for change. The KAP’s first test was the Queensland State Election, and Katter must be disappointed to have won only two seats: his son Robbie, who leads the Queensland chapter of the KAP, won his seat of Mount Isa, and incumbent Shane Knuth held his seat of Dalrymple.

In fairness, Bob Katter must realise that his brand of politics just won’t play well in the city, so chances of the KAP becoming a major force are low.

Equally, the Greens have a problem in the bush, and with traditional conservative voters in the city: they are perceived as Watermelons – green on the outside and socialist/communist red on the inside.

The rest of the minor parties have even less of a chance of making an impact: One Nation is past its use-by date, Family First and the other “values” parties are seen as too conservative by the middle.

But now that Clive Palmer has stepped up, there’s a new dynamic. The Coalition under Tony Abbott will win the next election, but what impact does Clive have? Clearly Wayne Swan isn’t too impressed, and Clive has been active on Twitter today, openly baiting the Treasurer. How do voters feel about him?

I’m still not entirely convinced it’s a bad idea to bring some fresh thinking into the picture. You can’t deny that Clive knows success and how to get it. He also knows how to work the media – his CIA  funding the Greens statement was both ridiculous and masterful. Mainly, it was successful.

I can’t help wondering who else might be interested in getting into parliament: who else has a successful track record in their chosen field, doesn’t need the money (and therefore it isn’t an incentive), is smart, innovative, energetic, selfless, and willing to donate a few years of their life in service of their country?

So let’s try this: I’ll pick up Parliament House, tip it upside-down, and shake. Most of the current crop of politicians fall out. Simple as that.

A few smart ones saw the writing on the wall, and strapped themselves into the basement with the miles and miles of red tape they keep down there. A quick roll call tells us who is left: Julie Bishop, Malcolm Turnbuil and Joe Hockey from the Coalition, Mike Kelly, Bill Shorten, Bob Carr, Penny Wong, Tanya Plibersek, and Ed Husic from the ALP, Sarah Hanson Young from the Greens and Rob Oakeshott. That’s it. Everyone else from both houses fell through the cracks.

We’ve got a lot of spaces to fill, and we want smart, successful, innovative people with drive and energy and vision, and we want lots of different perspectives. These people will represent us, and build Australia for the next generations. 

Here are a few suggestions:

• Arts and Media:  Philip Adams, John Farnham, Ita Buttrose, Latika Bourke, Geoffrey Rush
• Science: Dr Karl Kruzselnicki, Dr Ian Frazer, Dr Fiona Wood, Veena Sahjwalla, Prof Peter Doherty, Prof Tim Flannery
• Religion: Father Bob, Tim Costello, Jim Wallace
• Business: Clive Palmer, Lindsay Fox, Gail Kelly, Therese Rein, Frank Lowy
• Legal: Julian Burnside, Michael Kirby
• Activists: Germaine Greer, Waleed Aly, Gabi Hollows, Ian Kiernan
• Politicians: Kim Beazley, Natasha Stott-Despoja, Bob Brown, Peter Costello
• Military: Peter Cosgrove, Angus Houston
• Sport: Steve Waugh, Shane Gould, Cathy Freeman
• Agriculture: Jock Laurie, Chris Russell
• Smart People: Ross Garnaut, Mark Pesce, Benjamin Law, Clive James

Okay, so it resembles the guest list of QandA? I’m okay with that. Who have I missed out? Who would you want to have in parliament? Leave your comments below.

The Federal Clivening

The events of the past two weeks or so, since the accusations against Peter Slipper frustrated the nation, are the best arguments yet  against fixed parliamentary terms. There is already so little faith in the government, so little trust that it’s going to get better…

Sometimes, you can’t predict failure, and you can’t control it. Despite a successful legislative programme, and despite Tony Abbott’s censure attempts, the ALP Government’s has run out of time. The choice now is a daily crawl through fire towards the next election, trying to govern as if they had a mandate, or to call the election and start the rebuilding now.

Yesterday’s presser from the Prime Minister was an appalling start to the week, a desperate attempt to look as though she is in control. It didn’t work – it was too late, and her words lacked conviction. Under public and media pressure, she has consigned to the cross benches two members who as yet have not been convicted. There were no winners on the ALP side yesterday.

It was, in comparison, a better day for the Coalition, if only because they were able to point and mock. That doesn’t make them a better prospect for government; it just makes them “not Labor”. Tragically, that’s all it takes to get elected in this country right now.

In the next act of what is an increasing bizarre week, mining magnate Clive Palmer has raised his hand via talk radio, and announced that he will be seeking Liberal Party pre-selection to run against Treasurer Wayne Swan in the Brisbane seat of Lilley. Known for supporting the LNP’s Campbell Newman in his successful bid to become Queensland Premier, Mr Palmer has always harboured some parliamentary ambition. In 1984, he lost a pre-selection battle in Fisher to Peter Slipper. Assuming Mr Palmer wins pre-selection for Lilley – and given the amount of money he’s pumped into the LNP, he will – he’ll probably steal the seat for the Liberals.

It’s really not a bad idea though. Clive Palmer is a very smart man. Wouldn’t we all be better off if our government was made up of people who know how to be successful, who know how to achieve results, who know how to think? I’ve long thought that part of the problem in our parliament was the number of representatives who had never proven themselves outside of the government. Most of the current crop have spent more years working as political advisors, union officials, press secretaries and chiefs of staff before entering politics themselves than they’ve spent in private enterprise. Malcolm Turnbull is the obvious exception to the rule, but being richer than god tends to remove one from the day to day struggles to pay for the groceries.

Of course there’s a range of issues contributing to the gulf between where our politicians are, and where voters want them to be. Even the lowest paid of our federal politicians is earning $185,000 plus per year. That’s more than twice the average wage.

There is an argument that I first heard at the ripe old age of 12, that we get the politicians we can afford, and if we were willing to pay them more, we’d attract better credentialed candidates to public office. All the really good business and management minds are living it up in the private sector, earning ten times a backbencher’s salary.

I’m not sure that increasing the salary of our representatives would have the desired effect– there needs to be a passion to serve the nation. No amount of money would make up for the lifestyle, travel, time away from your home and family, the constant intrusion and the inability just to have a bad day. That’s a different kind of driver –it’s the desire to serve.

Does Clive Palmer have that ambition? Does he really want to be elected to public office and serve his country – where his salary would most certainly be less than it is now – or does he just want to kick Wayne Swan out of his way. Perhaps this politics lark is another item for Clive to cross off his personal bucket list. Perhaps he really does think he’s god and is behaving accordingly.

Or maybe Clive’s the Real Deal.

Aspirational Joe

Joe Hockey reckons his income is meagre at just $230,000+. Well, yes. I suppose  if he's comparing himself with his mate, mining magnate, conspiracy-bullshitter and LNP sponsor Professor Clive Palmer, it is meagre. 

I think Joe will find that Clive Palmer's income is what his old boss John Howard would call "aspirational". Most of the rest of us think a $230,000 salary is aspirational, and Hockey's  comment was clumsy at best. I'd call it naive, and insulting to working Australians.


For Joe's benefit, here are some figures to help him get that meagre salary of his into perspective:

* Excludes allowances

It's fair to assume that Joe's perspective may be a little skewed by the fact that he represents the seat of North Sydney, which includes some of Sydney's most affluent communities: Neutral Bay, Milsons Point, Hunters Hill & Woolwich, which has a median household income more than double the national average. Good for them - but even at that level, they're still $100k behind their local member...who considers his own income modest.

And while Joe describes it as 'meagre', his own party's Paid Parental Leave policy has the PPL scheme means-tested and cutting out at $150,000. Both Labor and the Coalition seem to agree that $150K is the figure at which you are well enough off not to need middle class welfare. His meagre income is over $80k above his own definition of "well-off". All these numbers must get confusing for an Arts/Law graduate.

Confession time: I like Joe Hockey. I suspect he's one of the good guys, despite being a Liberal and not knowing how to work a calculator. (Don't Shadow Treasurers have to pass a basic Maths test before they get the gig?) My impression of Joe Hockey is that he is sincere in his beliefs and genuine in his efforts to help his electorate and his country. I can't say that about all of our politicians.


Unfortunately, Joe has just placed himself in the middle of nowhere. His comment today about his 'meagre' income, and news of a secret meeting with Clive Palmer are concepts that middle Australia can't relate to. There's no way to walk it back either; his twitter-mini-spat with Paul Howes this afternoon makes it hard to spin as an off-hand joke.

Aside from Clive representing Big Mining, at the moment he's as well known for his Greens / CIA Conspiracy theory (a blatant lie to draw media attention prior to the Queensland election), his disastrous experiment with a Gold Coast Soccer team, and his stoush with hotel chain Hyatt Regency over the resort at Coolum. 

The man most likely to be the next Treasurer of Australia is having secret meetings with this man. Free advice: if a politician has to meet with one of the Big Mining people, he should pick the least crazy one.

Now, I wonder if Joe can help me with my pay rise debacle...but perhaps I'm being too aspirational.

The Clive Who Cried Wolf

The thing about Professor Clive J Palmer is that he is oftentimes so "colourful" that when he makes up fantastic stories about environmental groups and the foreign spy agencies, we believe it. And we did. 

It’s not that we’re gullible, it’s just that we’re used to Clive having a finger in every pie and a self-serving opinion on everything. As far as we know, he's never deliberately lied to us before. As far as we know...

As we learned yesterday, Clive doesn’t really believe that the CIA is funding environmental groups to destroy Australia’s coal export industry, thereby favouring our American competitors. He’s no fan of the environmental groups; he just wanted to provide a big distraction in the last week of the Queensland election campaign. I’ve no idea why he thought he needed a distraction; there was never a realistic chance that the ALP could win.

Clive cried wolf, and our outrage was unanimous. Mission Accomplished.

Crazy Clive’s Conspiracy theory needs a closer look though. Just because he’s donned the lyrca and cycled backwards doesn’t mean he didn’t call a press conference to announce to the world that the CIA was funding the Greens. He can't put the conspiracy back in the tube. That kind of pronouncement has consequences.

Clive has undoubtedly damaged his own reputation, particularly with the media. He lied to the media for political gain. Anything else he says, at least regarding politics, politicians and interest groups, will be treated with some degree of caution, and rightly so.

He’s also damaged the reputation of the man he accused of receiving CIA funds to disrupt Australia’s export coal industry. Drew Hutton now has the backing of grass-roots activist group GetUp, and they will be taking Clive to court. Whether Drew and GetUp can match Clive’s bottomless funding pit is yet to be seen, but you’d think that Drew would have a pretty good chance of winning.

Clive’s more recent attention-grabbers - the Hyatt Regency Coolum, the Gold Coast Soccer team, his CIA Conspiracy, his weight loss triumph - are conspicuously unrelated to his mining operations. He doesn't involve his primary money-makers in his media insanity, unless it's to slap the Treasurer around.

Closer to home, I marvel that Clive thinks its okay to lie to get what you want. Is that what he tells his preschool daughter? Is that how he runs his businesses? Is that how he views his marriage? 

Or does he save his deception for political gain?

Clive is a liar and a bully-boy, and that’s disappointing. He’s also a liar and a bully boy with money and influence. That makes him dangerous.  

We're onto him now, though. No amount of money can buy credibility.

The Clivening: Part 2

Really, the idea of Clive Palmer backpedalling scares me, if only because the image of Clive Palmer on a bicycle scares me. But it was a small and basically ineffective backpedal. He must have known the reaction his words yesterday, linking the CIA to Austalian Green groups would generate. That's why he said his piece in front of a bank of microphones, rather than simply issuing a release. He wanted this reaction.

Meanwhile, the CIA is denying all knowledge. Greenpeace and the Greens are appalled and amused in equal measure and the LNP has made like a submarine and gone quiet. The Twitterverse is convulsing with laughter and the media is bemused.

Trust Professor Palmer to make a splash.

The question remains, why would someone in Clive's position announce an obviously whacky conspiracy theory? What could he possibly have to gain?

So, looks like Clive's motivation is money. Gosh. *insert shocked expression here*

But what about his undying devotion to the Liberal Party, and now, Queensland's LNP. Could it be ideological? Is he a true believer?

In simple terms, he's looking after the Libs in the hopes that they'll look after him. No-one is being disappointed. Aside from the occasional brain-snap, it's a happy, co-dependent relationship.

So I guess Clive really does have it all...with the possible exception of his sanity. He has his relationship with the LNP to sustain him, and he has his mines to...well...sustain him. Clive Palmer's Hierarchy of Needs is being met in full.

Congratulations Clive.





Conspiracy! The Clivening

Clive Palmer. What can I say? This afternoon, he went bat-shit crazy in front of the national media, at a media conference he called.

This wasn't an ambush, a leak to be denied or rumour to be confirmed. This was Clive Palmer deliberately standing up to demonstrate a theory that the CIA is funding the Australian Greens. Why? To ensure the continued success of the American coal industry by sabotaging the Australian export coal industry. 

It's not April Fools Day, so he must believe this stuff.

It's certainly not the first time that Clive's called a press conference and surprised a few journalists: his pronouncements can range from his new soccer league to weight loss to his reaction to Wayne Swan's provocations last month. He is unpredictable and emotionally engaged. 
And more than a little unhinged.

It's lucky for the LNP that they are so confident of winning on Saturday, because a brain splodey like that from the LNP's biggest donor could give some nervous LNP voters the screaming

God only knows what LNP President Bruce McIver thinks...and Bruce is pretty close to God. He's pretty close to Professor Palmer too. Palmer is McIver's boss.

Yes, the state president of the LNP works for a billionaire mining magnate who (a) delivered a bizarre international conspiracy theory on national tellie, and (b) is the largest donor to his employee's political party.

What is Tony Abbott's response to Clive's statement?

What is Campbell Newman's response to Clive's statement?

What is Bruce McIver's response to Clive's statement?

None of these politicians has made any comment about Clive's conspiracy theory, although it is obviously something they need to take time with. Surely they must recognise the insanity of today's presser...but are they willing to distance themselves from their largest donor? 

If the do, they risk losing his financial support as well as any potential backlash from other mining interests who are supporting Clive...if anyone is... I haven't seen a single word of support for him. Yet. 

If they don't repudiate his craziness, the LNP will be seen by everyone as supporting his theories. Many already believe the relationship between mining companies and both major political parties is too close. No politician can risk being associated this theory, surely?

At least Clive's spectacular pronouncement is keeping Hajnal Black off the front page.