Don't You Worry About That

I’ve come to love Brisbane, but how do you promote it to the world? What does Brisbane have that is unique, recognisable and impossible to reproduce?

We call ourselves the River City, but in reality, so does Taree (NSW), South Perth (WA),  Chattanooga (Tennessee, USA), Jacksonville (Florida, USA), and a large slab of the UK. We’re not a ‘beach’ town, and we’re not really tropical, although we have really nice weather.  We don’t have the kind of internationally known symbols that mark some cities: the Sydney Opera House, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, Saint Basil’s in Moscow, the Hollywood sign, the Brooklyn Bridge, the statue of Jesus overlooking Rio de Janeiro...

Brisbane has the Story Bridge, which is lovely, but not in the same class, and that we’ve got the Town Hall as our council logo is simply more proof that we’re lacking an identity.

And then this morning, as I listened to the radio accounts of an Aboriginal Tent Embassy in Brisbane’s Musgrave Park being “moved on” by a hundred or so police officers, and media access being restricted, I realised that we have something new yet oddly familiar, something unique, something with images that are recognisable the world over.

Cue the blurry images and harp-music.

It all started with an idea, a fragment of something remembered, encouraged by a few scotches and some  misty nostalgia. Queensland was drowning. We needed a hero and the Superman suit wouldn’t fit Anna or Clive.

And thus Campbell Newman was anointed Saviour of Queensland.

Next, the idea: Like all the really good ideas, it needed to be simple. Our hero, and his trusty elders and sidekicks, looked to the good times, saw what made them great, and decided to reproduce those conditions right here in 2012. All right, it wasn’t one of the great pieces of innovation in this 21st century, but it made more sense than the nothing we currently had, and we needed a change.

Under our new hero’s leadership, we would return to the heady days of Joh Bjelke-Petersen and his stand-up mates. None of this namby-pamby new-millennium peace-and-tolerance bullshit for us. The LNP, political arm of Clive Palmer’s mining organisation, teamed up with the conservative Christian Lobby and convinced more than enough Queenslanders that the only way forwards was backwards.

Thanks to the new Campbell Newman government, Brisbane is becoming a real-life 1970s Theme Park. All the fun of the Paisley Fair, right here in Queensland:  Our disco-dancing Premier has been in the job less than 2 months and already, he’s thrown a party for his Boys In Blue in Musgrave Park. Unfortunately they had to do some cleaning up, but hey, the boys are here to serve us, right? There are some conflicting reports about media access to the party, but Joh never invited outsiders to his private parties, did he?

And earlier this week, SuperCanDo announced his intention to fast-track a few hand-picked items through parliament, without benefit of committee scrutiny. Way to get in the spirit, Sir! He’s really taking that one seriously, having entirely tipped the balance in the composition of parliamentary committees. Well, I’m sure there wasn’t much emphasis on balance back in the 70s, so it’s probably accurate.

And what about this business with the gay folks wanting to get married? Joh would never have stood for that rot; he would have had them all locked up – or sent back to Disneyland where they came from. Our new Premier knows what he has to do: those progressive communists from the ALP who rammed through civil partnership legislation aren’t in charge any more, and Lord Newman is already looking into ways to repeal that unseemly festive shenanigans.

As for the bloomin’ Arts, we can’t afford it. We’re not a bloody charity! These idiots in Canberra – Gough..er…JuLIAR and their mates – have spent us into the poorhouse! You can forget your Literary Awards – if you want literature, you can read the classics. In fact, you can download them onto your Star Trek Ipod thingy for free. Shakespeare, Dickens, Austen, Bronte, Yeats, Coleridge…keep you going for years! You don’t need that godawful doofdoof either, or FM or that new-fangled ABC DAB Digital Radio thingo. You’ve got 4KQ on the AM band. It was good enough for Joh in 1968, and it hasn’t changed a bit.

Sadly, with money the way it is, we can’t rebuild Cloudland or Festival Hall, but  you’ve got lovely offices and homes where they used to be. Can’t wait to see what we can build on the old Regent Theatre site. Maybe a bridge, or a tunnel.

So that’s it. Brisbane is well on it’s way to being the world’s only authentic 1970s Theme Park. All we need is a massive mirror ball, and we’ll even have our icon. Thankfully, those Skyhooks blokes have already written the jingle.

Does anyone know where I can get a Safari Suit in mauve?

Brisbane's Lord Mayor: Harmless Enough

Before sitting down to write tonight, 612 ABC Brisbane hosted the one and only debate between the five candidates for the position of Brisbane’s Lord Mayor. Rightly or wrongly, I’ve been criticised for, well, criticising the calibre of the five candidates. 

Two of the candidates, mysterious independent Chris Carson*, and Sex Party candidate Rory Killen, have taken the unusual step of phoning in sick. I'm not sure of the exact reasons for their decisions to be no-shows; in any case, it's not acceptable for a serious candidate to refuse a surprisingly rare invitation to talk to the voters. Perhaps they weren't serious after all...or perhaps the dog ate their homework.

That leaves three: the incumbent, Lord Mayor Graham Quirk, the ALP Contender Ray Smith, and the wild card, Democrat-turned-Green Andrew Bartlett.

But before I can make my voting decision, I have a question: what does a Lord Mayor actually do? The position is worth a salary of almost $220,000, plus a $70,000 car and allowances. In the corporate world, that's not a lot. It's a senior manager, but probably not executive level. 

That's right: We have to vote for one of these gentlemen running for Lord Mayor. The winner is going to enjoy a $300K+ package, and I'm not sure what he does. That makes it impossible to compare candidates against a job description.

Our current Lord Mayor, Graham Quirk has been in local government for 26 years. That’s a long stretch to work for any single employer these days, yet to quote Ms Shania Twain, "That Don't Impress Me Much." 

Does he have the fresh ideas for Brisbane? Or is he so institutionalised that he's lost touch with the city? Having worked for so long in the shadow of Campbell Newman, is “Quirkie” riding on his ex-boss’s coat-tails, or is he tainted by association? Remember, he was never elected Lord Mayor, just assumed the position when Premier Newman resigned a year or so ago to enter state politics. I'm sure Graham Quirk knows what a Lord Mayor does, but he hasn't told me.

The ALP's Ray Smith is a self-made business success story with an enviable reputation across many areas, but no experience as a councillor. Labor is so unpopular in Queensland right now, it’s hard to imagine him winning a chook raffle. His business experience would certainly be an asset to Council, and through his business, his fundraising and his leisure activities, has contacts all over Brisbane and beyond. Can he do whatever it is that a Lord Mayor does? Probably; he seems capable. (Vague, isn't it?)

And then there’s Andrew Bartlett, probably the most credible candidate of the three. A former Federal Senator and leader of the Democrats, Bartlett has name recognition, experience in and out of Government, and a real passion for public office. He contested the federal seat of Brisbane in the 2010 election, and while he came third, he polled over 20% of the vote. Could he do what a Lord Mayor does? I'm not sure, but I know that the Lord Mayor wears robes and chains, and I suspect Andrew Bartlett would look quite spiffy in them.

As this is "just" a local council election, there's been very little polling, and as I've mentioned in previous posts, very little interest. The lawn signs that are taking over the suburbs seem to be enjoying the warm autumn weather more than their minders in the folding deck chairs. Even during morning peak hour, the roadside campaigners seem disinterested.

Election fatigue is no excuse, though. We have to vote this weekend. This getting-interested business and learning about the candidates is part of our responsibility to the democratic process. What do we want from our local councillors? What do we need from our local council? Of the candidates, who best addresses our issues, our concerns, our priorities? 

In the Federal arena, we can talk about the big concepts: capitalism, socialism, foreign affairs, the economy, national security, cultural identity. Down here in local government, the view is different. The concepts tend to involve stable rates, a clean, reliable water supply, regular garbage collection, potholes that don't swallow the family car and decent libraries, preferably with iPads. Rates, roads and rubbish. This is not the stuff of Socrates, nor, I suspect, is it the business of the Lord Mayor. Council employs a CEO for that, and pays him rather more than the Lord Mayor gets.

One automated ReachTEL phone poll conducted earlier this week suggested that the incumbent will be re-elected comfortably. I wish I could get worked up about that, because of the three candidates with any chance, he's the one I have least faith in. Unfortunately, he's also the one who knows what the job is.

Here in Brisbane, I can turn on the tap and clean water comes out. I put out the garbage and a nice man in a big truck takes it away. I drive to work because I can't get there on Public Transport, but my Barina hasn't been swallowed yet. Quirkie has had a whole year to break Brisbane, and he hasn't. Whatever he's doing seems harmless enough.

I reckon I could do that. For a three-hundred-thousand dollar a year package, I too could be harmless. 



* Chris Carson did attend the debate, but arrived late.

The Politics of Distraction

Today is Tuesday 17th April. In about a week and a half, Queenslanders will be back at the polls to vote for their local councillors and mayors. A couple of weeks ago, I talked about Election Fatigue. It was only days since the ferocious state election, and I was both bemused and afraid at the near-absence of election hype about the council elections.


Surprisingly, things seem to have deteriorated further. Back then, we were at least aware that we’d be back at the polls. Now, most of us seem to have forgotten the council elections are even on. If it wasn’t that every second house in the suburbs seems to have a corflute bearing the beaming face of a candidate, I would’ve forgotten altogether. I just can’t get interested, much less excited.

And it seems, neither can anyone else.

Firstly, I scanned the headlines and the ten “Breaking News” stories on the Courier Mail Homepage. No mention of local council elections there. Next, I checked the top ten most popular stories on the Courier Mail site today, there is not a mention of the council elections there either. In the More Top Stories box, there are eight more stories listed – still nothing about the local council elections.

Further down the CM’s homepage, out of view unless you unless you scroll, we finally hit paydirt, but it’s not a featured story. I click through, and there’s a story about the ALP Candidate for Lord Mayor of Brisbane challenging Graham Quirk to a debate. There’s a whole six comments on the story, in comparison to the stories about David Gibson, which had well over 200 comments. There’s also a handy link you can click to access more stories on the local government elections.


Curious, I clicked. Yes, there’s a list of stories there on a feature page, but under the Quest Community Newspapers banner. Perhaps the issue here is that the Courier Mail is a statewide publication, and the council elections are local?


I’ll turn my attention to the BrisbaneTimes.com.au. Gosh! I’m entirely underwhelmed. Again, there’s nothing on the homepage unless you’re committed enough to scroll down. There’s the same Quirk versus The ALP Guy debate story, this time with a whole 9 comments.

The comparison here is a story about Peter Costello and his role as an independent auditor of Queensland’s books. Remember yesterday, when Premier Newman ruled out consultants on government contracts? Peter Costello is being paid a sexy $3,300 per day, amounting to $140,00 for about six weeks on the job. I can see why that story might catch some attention, but I don’t recall seeing it in the Courier Mail!

Like everyone else, I’ve been distracted by the spotlight that seems determined to stay focused on Premier Newman. So, back to the Council elections, and the ABC Brisbane Local News page. Guess what? No mention of the Council elections. 

The final confirmation of a state’s election apathy came in the form of a tweet from media academic. In his class of 30 journalism students, only one was even aware that we’re heading into a local council election in less than a fortnight.



It’s a conundrum. If media pays more attention to the council elections, will the public be more engaged? Or does the public need to be engaged to drive media attention?


I think it’s neither. I think we’re all distracted by the fascinating drama still going on in Queensland state politics. The Brisbane Lord Mayoral candidates are so insipid that we just don’t care.

Election Fatigue

I admit it. I have no interest in the upcoming Queensland Local Government elections. I don’t know if it’s election fatigue, the relative lack of excitement of local government in general, or the underwhelming nature of the candidates, but right now, I’d be hard pressed to rouse a skerrick of interest.

I suspect I’m not the only one. My partner asked me yesterday who the ALP candidate for Brisbane City Council Mayor is. I answered that it was Ray Smith, who’d been on Brisbane’s 612ABC’s breakfast show in the past few days. Funny thing is, I remember that he was on radio, not from actually noting anything that he said on air, but because I’d noticed it on Twitter.

Then last night, Mr Smith announced via Twitter (@RaySmith4Mayor) that he was campaigning with Kevin Rudd (@KRuddMP) at Garden City Shopping Centre, Mount Gravatt. That stuck in my mind because yesterday was the opening of the extension at Westfield Carindale, just ten minutes away, and every man and his dog (and cat and bird) were at Carindale. Perhaps Mr Smith is dodging Westfield Carindale because he opposes paid parking, which Westfield Carindale is about to introduce.

The thing is, I know that Ray Smith is running for Mayor, representing the ALP. I cannot tell you a single thing about the man, or his policies, or his party’s policies, other than that he opposes paid parking in shopping centres.

Off to Google I went, where I found his website .

There are four policies listed under the ambiguous title of Get Active, although there are more suggested in the media releases on his website. Four policies seems like a fairly thin platform, and “Get Active” sounds like a slogan for a gym, not a Mayoral candidate.

So I think can assume something else about Mr Smith. He’s getting bad campaign advice.

Mr Smith’s opposition is the incumbent Ray Quirk, who replaced Premier Campbell Newman about a year ago. Lord Mayor Quirk has worked hard to lift his profile above that of, well, undercoat. I guess the campaign worked, in so much as I now know his name. But ask me anything at all about the man, his achievements as a Councillor and Lord Mayor, his background, his policies…I simply don’t know. Or care. As Campbell Newman’s successor, Graham Quirk is an LNP councillor, but I don’t know what that means for a local councillor or Mayor.


His website [ http://www.grahamquirk.com.au/ ] trumpets a few achievements: roadworks is big, a new park is planned for the old Milton Tennis Centre site, and there’s a bikeway…in case you need somewhere to ride one of Former-Lord-Mayor-Campbell-Newman’s under-utilised yellow CityCycles. They make interesting urban sculptures when lined up in the racks. Honestly though, I can’t see anything there that is above and beyond what you’d expect of a Mayor of a decent sized city. If I was doing a Performance Review, I’d have to say he performed to expectations, but not beyond them. No performance-based bonus for you this year, Mr Quirk!

Closer to home, he’s opened the new Carindale Library. Forgive me if I don’t get excited; he had no choice, as the old library was located in the redeveloped Westfield Shopping Centre, and if I’m not mistaken, the old one was demolished to make way for more retail temptations. I’m pretty excited that the Library has been upgraded, and will be lending fully loaded iPads though!


Check out Mr Quirk’s website and you’ll find an online facility for requesting a Birthday e-card from the Lord Mayor of Brisbane. It’s one of the more naff ideas I’ve seen lately. Of more use is the online Fix-O-Gram, yet these online facilities would most likely be continued regardless of who the mayor is.


Does the Mayor not see a connection between his website and his campaign for re-election?


The whole Mayoral election doesn’t stop with just the two major parties. There are five candidates chasing the Mayor’s gig: Most high profile of all five Candidates is former Australian Democrats leader Andrew Bartlett, running for the Greens. His page on the Greens website  lists a masterful five policies, which are a little more innovative than those of the two major party candidates. It seems to be more about people and less about “stuff”.


Rory Killen appeared to be running as an independent, but he’s not. It looks as though he’s running for the Australian Sex Party, which is why his name is familiar; he ran for them in Victoria last year too. At just 27, he’s surprisingly experienced at campaigning – but what does the Sex Party have to offer a local council? If this guy is serious about forging a career in politics, he needs to get seriously away from the Sex Party. Rightly or wrongly, the party name alone robs candidates of credibility.

Chris Carson is running as an independent. He’s largely unknown, and seems determined to stay that way.

And then there’s my local council ward. Our current councillor is Adrian Schrinner, an up-and-coming LNP man. I didn’t know who was running against him, or even if he had an opponent. So again, I went Googling. There is an ALP candidate in Chandler – Liz Starr – but Liz isn’t listed on Ray Smith’s website as part of his team.


Is that an oversight, or is Ms Starr an ALP candidate who is not part of Mr Smith’s Team?



DRIVEN TO TEARS - LIVE by FRKS
I know we’re still several weeks away from the election, and just past the State Election, but really. Looking at the five Mayoral candidates and the two candidates in my ward, I wonder if they’re any more engaged than the public is. The general level of interest is incredibly low, and the degree of knowledge is even lower.


The sheer intensity of last week’s state election campaigns is a hard act to follow. If these candidates don’t lift their respective efforts, we might as well do away with local government completely.