A message from Tony Abbott.
Our friends - and those Aspirational Australians who want to be our friends - listened, and on September 7, they cast their votes.
In the years since the 2010 election was hijacked by the godless socialist sooky-lalas of the ALP, my esteemed colleagues and I have travelled to all parts of Australia (and once to India) and to the Mother Country. On our travels, we swam and we cycled, visited many dirty workplaces, and socialised with likeminded people at posh (but not gay) weddings. We talked about our lives, our beautiful families and our hopes to improve the lives of all Australians, especially if they are our friends, and if they deserve it.
We have also consulted with proper experts who agree with us about opportunities to harness Australia’s great potential for the good of our mutual friends.
In these conversations at homes, workplaces, factories, farms, school halls, businesses, reception halls and universities, we wore a hi-viz vests, hairnets and hard hats even when we didn't need to. It's important to relate to the little people, to offer them hope, reward and opportunity that they, too, could be like Us.
We developed our plan to offer Hope, Reward and Even More Opportunities for our handpicked circle of elite supporters, and those who would support us, if only they were rich and privileged.
Our Plan was to build an Australia where these friends and supporters can prosper, by constructing an incomprehensible web of economic buzzwords and debatable numbers, fostering fractured communities held together by fear, and creating the illusion of stronger borders by adopting secret squirrel strategies combined with military gravitas.
We will fund these sacred policies by dismissing the expensive myth of climate change, dismantling Australia's public service and scientific communities, ignoring the need for infrastructure and ensuring that the Australians who will benefit most from our Government are those who are most Entitled: our supporters and friends.
Of course, by then, we had many many friends, so we won. Unfortunately for Aspirational Australia, we have far too many important friends to offer any hope of reward or opportunity to all of them, so some people may not be rewarded with much hope or any opportunities.
Well? What did you expect?
The 44th Parliament - Who's Who?
Tony Abbott - Prime Minister, Minister for No
Warren Truss - Deputy Something or Other
Julie Bishop* - Minister for Over There
Joe Hockey - Minister for Eleventies
Scott Morrison - Minister for Exclusion and Obfuscation
Greg Hunt - Chief Science Denier
Barnaby Joyce - Member for Warren Truss's Job
Malcolm Turnbull - Minister for Copper Wire
George Brandis - Pompous Git
Andrew Robb - Minister Emeritus
Peter Dutton - Who?
Christopher Pyne - Minister for Edumacation
Matthias Cormann - Minister for The Big End of Town
Alan Jones - Science Advisor, Advisor on the Status of Women
Andrew Laming - Social Media Advisor
Piers Akerman - Cultural Advisor
Cory Bernardi - Tea Party Liaison
Bronwyn Bishop -
* denotes token minority representative