Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Newmania: Independence Day

In November 2014, Newmania will host a meeting of the G20. As an Australian first and a Newmanian second, I find this wholly appropriate. Of course, Australia should host a meeting of the G20. Our economy is about the only one to survive the GFC, and we have the highest GDP per capita of any country in the world. Furthermore, the meeting should be held in Newbane, because Newbane is our New World City according to the marketing chaps, and home to our national Treasurer.

Plus, the weather’s nice.

The G20 is a national and international Big Deal. It’s not in the class of the Sydney Olympics, but it’s big. There will be leaders, treasurers, advisors, support staff, hangers-on, media, security and hospitality. It’s a time for Aussies to show off and be proud in front of leaders from the other G20 members: Argentina, Brazil, Canada, China, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, South Korea, Turkey, the United Kingdom, the United States and the European Union.

Not everyone is delighted, though. Brad Hazzard, New South Wales Minister for GrumpArsery and Sore Loserism is appalled. He says Sydney is Australia’s only genuine World City, and therefore, Sydney has some divine right to host all of the important stuff. Gee, Melbourne is gonna be annoyed! He’s also accusing Wayne Swan of choosing Newbane for political gain. Well, let's see what happens in 2014 when in all likelihood, Swanny will be guest lecturing and serving on a few boards, and Joe Hockey will be Treasurer.

But here’s something to ponder, Mr Hazzard. It’s not a competition. It’s not same-sex marriage, or State of Origin, for quack’s sake! Newbane getting the G20 doesn’t make Sydney any less beautiful, less worldly, and less desireable; it just means that in November of 2014, Sydney won’t be in crazy lockdown mode. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with Mr Hazzard or New South Wales.

What’s worse is that Newmania’s own King Campbell is withholding some of his happiness about this opportunity to show off his beloved River City to the world’s biggest bigwigs. There’s already a stoush developing because King Campbell won’t commit any resources to the G20 Event, and Treasurer Swanny thinks he should. If New South Wales’ Brad Hazzard is the Minister for Sore Loserisms, King Campbell must be the Minister for Sore Winning. And then there's Lord Mayor Quirkie and a rumour about Council funded security? It's bizarre.

Note to King Campbell: Your state won the right to host a prestigious international event. Just be happy.

It’s starting to look as though King Campbell doesn’t want Newmania to be part of Australia any more. When Prime Minister Julia brought her Big and Important Economic Forum to a venue literally up the road from King Campbell’s Parliamentary Palace, he refused to attend. He said he was too busy…but he may have been flossing, or locked in the Shredder Room with Queen Lisa of Mooch for all we know.

In any case, we should prepare ourselves for Separation. Clive Palmer has no doubt advised King Campbell that even the very best hole-digging equipment won’t be able to dig a big enough moat between Newmania and those other states, so we’ll have to be all European about it and just pretend there’s a border.

All financial relationships with the Commonwealth will be severed. Don’t worry about missing out on all that lovely GST revenue; King Campbell will be able to continue sacking public servants until he’s saved enough money to provide the services we need: army, navy, airforce, customs, border protection, quarantine, foreign affairs…wait. Something doesn’t add up. Doesn’t matter – that’s Treasurer Timmy’s problem.

Newmania’s Spiritual Leader will be no surprise. Wendy Joy Of the ACL will lead the state in prayer through good times and bad, from her base in WendyJoy (But Not Too Much Joy and None of That Gay Stuff) Land. Newmania only needs one religion, and hers is fine for Bruce and Clive, so that’ll do for the rest of us. (Unfortunately, some residents of the former Sunshine Coast may feel uncomfortable with this decision; King Campbell recommends moving* to the Gold Rainbow Fun Coast, where everyone is mostly welcome, for a price.)

King Campbell anticipates very little disruption to business and industry as a result of the Great Separation. With the abolition of all trade unions, businesses will thrive and productivity will soar. The Big Holes in the centre of the new Sovereignty will be particularly successful, bringing much deserved fortune to struggling politician Clive Palmer and media Girl-About-Town Gina Rinehart. Of course the Carbon Imposition and Mining Success Levies will be stopped on Day 1, allowing our industries to emit as nature intended. After all, how can Newmanians be expected to take pride in our productivity if we can’t see signs of activity?

King Campbell has decided to make Way Out West a loving memorial to Sir Joh Bjelke Petersen, with one of the last remaining members of the Bjelke-Petersen Government. Katter Kountry, as it will be known, will be a generous area of real-life, real-straight Newmania, with free admission in return for volunteer work driving cattle, controlling reptiles and fixing farm equipment.

Newmania’s glorious tourism industry will blossom. The Gold Rainbow Fun Coast will attract all types of visitors – including those types – and provide basically what it does now. WendyJoy (But Not Too Much Joy and None of That Gay Stuff) Land will become a Mecca, but not the same Mecca as the one for Muslims. A different Mecca. Protestants will flock to be part of the flock. The jewel in King Campbell’s tourism crown, the Great Barnaby Reef, will be a throbbing hub of happy tourists, boozy coconuts drinks, grey nomads, sunburnt back-packers, frenzied commercial shipping and truckloads of tailings from Clive’s and Gina’s Big Holes.

There’s no need to worry about the sludge though – King Campbell himself is an Engineering God, and he has promised to build tunnels from the Big Holes all the way to the Reef, where he will erect state of the art under-sea chicken-wire fences to contain the watery sludge and protect the sanctity of the reef. As King Campbell explained, the added advantage of choosing chicken wire is that it makes it hard for the scuba-diving graffiti artists.

Welcome to the New Newmania. God help us all.

*Resettlement Costs are the Resident’s Responsibility.

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